How to Use Common Enemies to Bond on Dating Apps: The Unexpected Icebreaker That Works

It might seem counterintuitive, but sharing a dislike can actually create a stronger bond than sharing a like. Psychologists call this the 'negative association effect' or 'in-group bonding through out-group hostility.' When you discover you both dislike the same thing, it creates a sense of 'us versus them' that can accelerate feelings of closeness and trust.

Think about it: you're at a party and someone mentions they hate the same movie you can't stand. Suddenly, you have an inside joke, a shared perspective, and a reason to chat. This works especially well on dating apps where first messages often fall flat. A well-placed complaint can be a refreshing change from the usual 'hey, how was your day?'

Moreover, sharing a pet peeve or a minor annoyance reveals personality traits like humor, values, and communication style. It's a quick way to gauge compatibility beyond surface-level interests.

• •Shared dislikes create an 'us vs. them' dynamic that fosters bonding.
• •Negative bonding can be more memorable than positive small talk.
• •It reveals personality and values quickly.

Before you can bond over a common enemy, you need to identify one. Start by looking at your match's profile for clues. Do they mention hating pineapple on pizza? Can't stand people who talk during movies? Or maybe they have a 'deal-breaker' about something trivial like bad grammar or slow service.

You can also use prompts like 'My biggest pet peeve is...' or 'I'll never understand why people like...' in your own profile to invite responses. This not only gives you material but also signals that you're open to playful banter.

If their profile doesn't give much away, ask open-ended questions like 'What's something small that drives you crazy?' or 'Is there a popular thing you just don't get?' These questions are low-stakes and often lead to fun, revealing answers.

• •Scan their profile for hints about dislikes or pet peeves.
• •Use your own profile to invite shared grievances.
• •Ask playful questions about common annoyances.

Once you've identified a potential common enemy, use it to start a conversation. The key is to be lighthearted and humorous, not genuinely angry or negative. For example, if you both hate waiting in line, you could say: 'I see you're not a fan of lines either. What's the longest you've ever waited for something?'

Another approach is to use a shared dislike as a playful challenge. 'So, we both agree that pineapple on pizza is a crime. Does that mean we're pizza soulmates or just accomplices in bad taste?' This invites a fun back-and-forth.

You can also reference a common cultural annoyance—like a viral trend you both can't stand, or a bad movie you both suffered through. This creates an instant shared experience, even if it's a negative one.

• •Keep the tone light and humorous.
• •Use the dislike as a springboard for playful banter.
• •Reference shared cultural annoyances for instant connection.

While bonding over dislikes can be effective, it's important to navigate it carefully. The goal is to connect, not to complain. Here are some guidelines to keep the conversation positive and engaging.

Do: Focus on minor, relatable annoyances rather than serious issues. Avoid controversial topics like politics or religion unless you're sure you're on the same page. Do: Use humor and self-deprecation to keep things light. Don't: Rant or come across as bitter or negative. Don't: Dwell on the dislike for too long—use it as a bridge to other topics.

• •Do: Stick to lighthearted pet peeves.
• •Don't: Bring up serious or divisive topics.
• •Do: Transition to positive topics after bonding over the dislike.
• •Don't: Overshare complaints or sound like a chronic complainer.

Bonding over common enemies is a great icebreaker, but it shouldn't be the foundation of your entire relationship. After you've shared a laugh over your mutual hatred of slow walkers, pivot to something positive. Ask about something they love, a hobby they enjoy, or a dream they're pursuing.

Think of the shared dislike as a door opener—it gets you in the room, but you still need to build the house. A healthy connection requires a balance of shared likes, values, and experiences. Use the initial spark from a common enemy to explore deeper, more meaningful topics.

Remember, the goal is to find someone you enjoy being with, not just someone you enjoy complaining with. Keep the overall tone optimistic and forward-looking.

• •Use shared dislikes as an icebreaker, not the main course.
• •Transition to positive topics after bonding.
• •Aim for a balance of likes and dislikes in your conversations.

Still not sure how to pull it off? Here are some real-life examples of common enemy icebreakers that have worked for others on dating apps.

Example 1: 'I see you also hate when people walk slowly in the middle of the sidewalk. Do you ever find yourself muttering 'excuse me' under your breath? Because same.'

Example 2: 'Your profile says you can't stand bad grammar. I once unmatched someone for using 'your' instead of 'you're' in a message. Tell me your worst grammar pet peeve!'

Example 3: 'We both agree that pineapple on pizza is an abomination. But what about the real debate: is a hot dog a sandwich? Let's settle this.'

• •Use specific, relatable annoyances.
• •Make it a question to invite response.
• •Keep it playful and self-aware.

Bonding over common enemies is a surprisingly effective way to break the ice and create instant chemistry on dating apps. By sharing a lighthearted dislike, you invite your match into a playful 'us versus them' dynamic that can accelerate connection and reveal personality.

Just remember to keep it positive, use it as a stepping stone to deeper topics, and always balance the negative with the positive. With these tips, you'll turn a shared grievance into a genuine bond—and maybe even a great story to tell on your first date.